God, Happiness and Life

How do I get a heart of stone? Why? because I need it. Little by little, it seems the load is getting heavier and bigger .. it hurts.. the pain is getting me down. Why won't they stop? Are they happy to see me feel bad? Perhaps.. Sometimes, I am given the eye, other times, a dismissive grunt and mind you even sighs of disgust. It seems my blogging has been taking me away from my "chores". I could not believe my ears. Was I wrong? Was it all in vain? But I am not surprised anymore. I knew all along that I had no right to expect. I am a parent and it comes with the territory. Seems I carry the weight of the world. Still, must I continue to expect? I can still manage I know. I hope I get over this. I am trying to recall. Was I like this with my own mother? What I remember is my Mom was a termagant one. She used to scold me a lot .. all in the name of teaching the right values.  I wasn't even allowed to reason with her. And because she is who she ...

I wish those "closest" to me not expect that I was born to serve them. I have already done that for the past 28 years. I wish I had more to give in terms of physical stamina. My health is failing. Perhaps, they do not notice. It's only the grace of the Lord that sustains my daily life. I do not want to think that they don't care. Maybe, just too preoccupied with their own personal concerns. Or, maybe busy with their own life struggles. I understand perfectly. I have been there. To my mother's credit, for her unconditional love and support, I am here today writing this angtsy post. How I wish I could do more for her. Last Christmas, I told her how sorry I am that after more than 50 years, I am still unable to give her a life deserving of all the sacrifices and love she gave me and my children. Her response was: it was well worth it. If only for the fact that my life turned out "better" than hers; that I was able to get an education which she neve...