I think I have mentioned elsewhere that when I was much younger, my mother and I had ambivalent feelings toward each other. I found her too domineering, to the point of ignoring any reason from my end. On the other hand, she found me stubborn, too smart for my own comfort. She demanded an unquestioning loyalty from me and the rest of my siblings particularly when she and my father decided to part ways. Through all those years, I harbored ill feelings especially those times when she proved herself unyielding, lacking of grace and understanding.
But all that is changed now.
Looking at her now, I think life's recent blows of up's and downs, have turned her to be more sacrificing and devoted to all her children. I have come to come to terms with who she is, and why she did the things she did. It is very clear to me now that my mother just wanted to be a good person. She, being an orphan at a very young age, and herself lacking parental affection set her mind to bring up her children the best way she knew how. She dreamed of raising intelligent, caring and successful children. That was the most important mission she had to accomplish. I do not want to measure the level of her success. Suffice it to say, she did her best.
I know this now. I too have become a mother.
Thirty two years ago, when I had my first unplanned child, I was disgusted at how my mother showed her displeasure with me and what had happend. Instead of understanding, failing to hide her scorn. Fact is, it took her three days for her to visit me in the hospital when I gave birth to my eldest child. It was ill-timed, she expressed and she expected so much from me. But I "turned out to be a total disappointment".
In so many deliberate or perhaps unconscious ways she would always manage to remind me that I was a big disappointment. I suffered in silence, true. I convinced myself that she was right. I am what she says I have become. At the expense of my self-worth, I denied wanting to lose the love I have for her. My feelings were anchored on the fact that despite never seeing her cry for me, my interest is always in her heart.
But remembering those now, do not bring back the pain anymore.
Today, more than ever, I realize deep in my heart that my Mom, like the rest of all the moms in the world are there to just to love and suffer if need be, for their children.
What better motivation in life could there be?
Happy, happy MOTHER'S Day to my dearest Mama!
Half an orphan is a fatherless child, a whole orphan the motherless.
- a Finnish proverb -